changes, changes.

holidays are supposed to be the time to relax. as in, sleep all the time & do nothing.

the thought of that seems to be salvation if you work 50+ hours/week. at that point "life" is called "work". especially if you do that because you just don't happen to have any ideas what to do next yet. People who do that don't have lives. 

The last months I've spent on preparing and learning for quite an important exam that was meant to take place where I work. The place where I waste 50+ hours weekly of my valuable time. Since I am quite open to learning stuff, would really like to go study, I put a lot of energy in learning for that exam. And there I go on holidays and it happens. I miss all that fun. Somehow it was important for me to be a part of this test, since I work in that place since almost 2 years.

A lot of things seem to happen at the wrong time lately. why could that be?

I can't sleep.

one year and four days.

I've found peace again, for now. A job which is easy enough, but payed well enough. I could stay here. For longer, like seriously long. I've also found a city I really like.

Working night shifts is a pain in the ass. Every single noise makes me crazy. I know that in general the worst thing that can happen is a fire. Where I will be the first one to call the fire brigade, which I've never done before. I'm being paranoid.
On the other side it's the only time where I can sit and do my stuff without listening to people's talking.

I should be doing some stuff now, cleaning the pride and joy of the biggest bosses of this company. They all wish this place wouldn't be a sinking ship. I took a closer look at this building with all it's marks and maggots for the past year.

It's just funny to see people come and go, managers change. They all look similar when they start, enthusiastic, energetic, full of ideas. Then, as time flies, and no big profit is made, they slowly start letting go of their plans. After that, I can already tell how long they're going to stay.

I'm useless during day time, mostly too tired to keep my eyes open for longer than 30 min after I finish work. I think it's the tension that makes me tired. The fact that if I close my eyes for longer than 2 minutes I fall asleep.

'Visited' an old 'friend' today. Actually I've only read the news on his website. So he's got an exhibition. I should go and show my support, but since it's 527 miles away and it all ended up in something weird, I'm just not gonna. It's also his birthday today, which I remember and here again I should do some but I won't.
I wish I could remember what it felt like...

Soon ...

     On the 10th of May it's going to be exactly one year since I've been on the road. Of course thre has been a longer stop near Brighton, a return to Warsaw for a short while, and now, in some days I will travel again. It's funny. If it would be possible I would change the place where I live every 6 months, finding a job that will be enough to have a good life is easy. It's harder t find a place to live. 

But for now and the last week, there is a different place I'd rather be in, at some moment.

I got a laptop from my friend. Being too lazy to actually save the bloody money. She's a good friend, the computer (mac) is quite old though. No airport, and I also can't really watch movies on it. I'm not complaining, got it for free. 

I started learning french, I've done it for 2 hours and got bored. Don't think I will try again this year.

My friend gave me her cold as a goodbye gift. :)

polaroid

Listening to: Cat Power- The Greatest

my polaroids are still working. :)

'Once I wanted to be the greatest,
no wind or waterfall could stop me..'

I want to sleep.

At least some of this stuff is working. Only for the reason to make my life harder again.
Luck does play a big role in a person's life.

I've made up my mind when it seemed that the world has turned it's back on me. A quite nice Island on the Atlantic Ocean seemd perfect. To relaxe, to breathe again. The air there must be wonderul (no cars allowed).

And it is happening way faster than I had hoped.

I heared the thing I needed to hear exactly 24 hours to late.

yhh ...

This post is sponsored by bad timing over and over and over again.

Too much is happening, can't make a decision.

Don't understand.

sometimes life just does not make a lot of sense.

traveler II

I've recently discovered I might me moving to Sark. Which I've never heard of before.

It's a really small (around 5,5 km2) island between Great Britain and France. It's actually closer to France.

It's next to two bigger islands- Jersey and Guernsey and two others, which are obviously to small to mention.

This place is so small and it seems there is no easy way out of there.

The population is 600.

And yes ... I will.

My friend said that I'll get so fucking lonely that I'll fling myself off a cliff. She might be right.

I am quite fond of this idea to be honest. Just a bit worried cause I don't really want to end up in a shit hole.
Oh this is going to be fun.
I mean, it's not every day that you get the chance to move to a place like this.

winter.

The work thing is still happening, since 2 days now, and will till somebody decides differently. He's judging me, testing, giving me harder tasks every time we meet. I feel tired, of smiling and make it seem right. Trying to convince myself by pretending (putting on a mask) that this is what I want and what I'm good at. I am sort of good that is right, but the more I do it, and the more he is happy with my work the less I'm interested. It just takes too long. Somehow I imagined this all a little different.

My first test was to retouch a movie of a girl with a baby, I passed without any problems. I sat 6 hours without a break staring into my too dark screen. With a lot of detail I've done whatever I could to make this image look beautiful. He said he liked it, I've done exactly what he wanted. It felt good to hear compliments but on the other side I feel empty, because for the first time what I'm doing is not mine, will never have my name written in the credits. I'm sure it's worth nothing the image itself, compared to what I'm supposed to learn in the next months. Still it gives me a weird feeling.

It snowed again today, a couple of weeks ago I've hoped not to see the snow this year.

I also had a bad dream last night, don't even know why. It's distracting me all day, everytime I try to be focused or relax it comes back to me. Stuff like this makes me not wanna go to sleep again.

high on life.

Listening to: Clint Mansell (Featuring Kronos Quartet)- Winter Overture

I listen to an awful lot of Requiem for a dream soundtrack lately.
It is not disturbing at all. I think I'm totally fine in fact.

Dyed my hair, turned out to be very dark purple, almost black. What the hell it was supposed to be a light plum color.
I look sad and unhealthy in this colour.

Important work thing tomorrow, fuck it.
Working at a photographers, not sure if I want that.
Somehow I've been there already.

I wish I could be high most of my life, hanging somewhere in-between.

I'm not depressed- it's the damn music's fault.

After 2 years or something I started using my Zenith TTL again. There is a film inside, and I know exactly what's on it. There's still 10 pictures left to shoot on it. I remember the last day shooting with it. 5th of may and the room was too dark.
Also bought another roll of Kodak 400 BW, have no idea how this will work.

traveler

Listening to: Tomaso Giovanni Albinoni- Adagio in G minor
Watching: photos of New York
Reading: wikipedia


I have always enjoyed traveling. Unfortunately my parents made the mistake and traveled a lot when I was younger. So I don't remember much. The times when I chose to travel though, has been vbery spectacular.
Once, from one day to another almost I decided to fly to New York and live there for six months. And so I did, survived, found a good job, nice flat. The experience was amazing. I worked in a club, at night mostly, so during daytime (if I wasn't dying afte a night of party) I could discover the city.
I'll never forget the view of the sun rising and reflecting in the glassy buildings of Manhattan. Sometimes I miss it, I know I have a place to go back to if needed.

I'm just in the middle of planning a few day trip to Paris. That city always used to turn me on. I've been to Paris a couple of times when I was a child. Don't remember much. Just that even then (my parents say) I've found the Mona Lisa disappointing. This is how they explain my aim to be an artist.

Might as well go to Vienna, communication with the people there wouldn't be a problem since I speak german pretty good. In Paris though, if the other person has no english skills finding out where the cheapest hotel is could be doubtful. Quite tempting in both cities is the number of museums.

*

woman

Since it's the International Woman's Week this post will be very short, but dedicated to woman. Their body and look, cause it should be celebrated.



It really feels great.

sleep

Listening to: Yann Tiersen- La Valse D'amelie (Vesion Orchestre)
Watching: ...
Reading: ...


sleep
Pronunciation: \ˈslēp\
Function: noun
1: the natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored
2: a state resembling sleep: as a: a state of torpid inactivity b: death; also : trance, coma c: the closing of leaves or petals especially at night d: the state of an animal during hibernation.

It seems very fascinating for me the 'phenomen' of sleep. The idea that in one split of a second a human mind and body falls into a sort of uncontroled state.

Or the lack of it. Simple is that. It feels like after a long flight between many time zones. Of course popping one or two sleeping pills would help a lot, but what's the point? I always assumed that a person can be most creative at night. When all around is sleeping, surrounded by silence.

*

Somehow I do believe in people, that it is very easy to be open and tolerant. For example being a slightly different individual than the other or having aother music taste shouldn't be a big deal anymore nowadays. In so many places still being different (maybe weaker) is a reason to be harassed.
The other day I was sitting in front of the Churchill Square observing the young english people. They all had a simirar haircut and style of dressing. I wondered if the idea of being original died somewhere between H&M and being emo. What are these people thinking? I found them common.

Once, while sitting on the southern train to London Victoria, occupied with reading Belle DeJour I noticed an old lady in front of me staring at me with disgust. I felt embarrassed. On the other side, it's none of her business what I'm reading.

thoughts

Listening to: Verdi- Un di, felice (from La Traviata)
Watching: My Blueberry Nights
Reading: Belle De Jour

The movie (My Blueberry Nights) is quite good, kinda like most movies lately, but still positive. Nothing new really. Thought at the beginning it would be like 2046, which I don't have good memories with. It was just a bad time.
I also don't understand why people still critizise the movie Closer so much, saying it is not very good. I like it. I enjoy watching it over and over again. Along with Velvet Goldmine and Match Point. They amuse me.
TV shows are a different story though, much more complex. Too complex to expatiate on them now. This will follow.


Just had an exhausting telephone conversation with somebody who's very close to my heart but very far away. There are 1075 miles between us now. A couple of weeks ago we were in the same room. It seemed perfect. The town, timing, sound, smell. It was a complete feeling that I had. Very calming and mellow. Unfortunately this perfect vision got destroyed by some unfriendly words and people. I'm over them now, it does not hurt that much any more. Most of them I'll never see again, to some of them I haven't even said goodbye.

This is where I want to be ...

... but it feels good to be away from it sometimes.